Disclaimer: If you have a short attention span you may not want to try to read this. If you saw me at a party you’d be lucky to get 5 words out of me but I commonly have Diarrhea of the keyboard, read on at your own ocular peril!

Okay, so this is my first time posting here or anywhere like this, I’d actually been googling for support groups in my area but came across this site and decided to give it a whirl. I’m a 38 year old Michigan native Florida Transplant with delusions of being a published author some day. Unfortunately I’m a social butterfly trapped in the mind of a social moron. I used to think I was just shy and maybe that was true once upon a time but I realized it either was getting worse or had gotten worse one night at a group someone asked me a question and I just shut down utterly could not respond. It never happened again but it terrified me and woke me up at the same time.

With one exception I have no close friends though I have numerous acquaintances, most of the time I never get past that stage. I am both very closed off and conservative and completely open. What I mean is if you ask me almost any question I’ll give you an honest answer. On the other side of the sword I never speak my mind or offer an opposing viewpoint unless I get so upset that it boils over and I lash out at someone verbally, or have an emotional meltdown. No one seems to have any desire to hang out with me I have no friends my own age let alone a relationship. I haven’t been on a date since I was 22. Not for lack of interest mind you, and I’ve even met women I was interested in but I’m a social moron I lacked the words and the courage to speak them.
Of course It doesn’t help that I am legally blind and suffer a plethora of hormonal issues that the Doctor is still trying to get under control.

More and more I live in my own little isolated world I go to work I come home exchange a few words with my roommate and go upstairs to my computer. Spend four or five hours gaming and watching TV and go to bed get up rinse and repeat. In my world I am a brave hero admired and respected, then morning comes and I go to work for the cold splash of reality of being a lonely freak with no life. Every year it seems to get harder and harder to go out especially somewhere where there are lots of people I don’t know.
I keep using the words ‘Social Moron’ what I mean by that Is I seem to be unable to hold a conversation on my own. In a conversation with another person well there is no conversation it quickly dies unless they say something to drive it forward. I’m better in a small group of 3-5 people but mainly I hang around the fringe listening interjecting the occasional thought or joke. Everyone likes me at first says I’m a good guy but I think they get tired of me and would rather not deal with me. Whether that’s true or just anxiety I don’t know.
If all that weren’t enough I’m still carrying baggage from my youth, yeah get over it right? I’ve never felt like I belonged anywhere, not even with my own family. My parents split when I was 4 or five and I lived with my Mother for a number of years but she never wanted me I don’t have one good loving memory of her only her standing in the kitchen screaming, step dad was no better. At age 11 I went to live with my Dad which was a little better he at least tried to care. But he and his new wife had 2 kids of their own and I was an extra person in the family that wasn’t really wanted. My Grandparents are the only part of my family that never made me feel unwanted or unloved. None of them cared enough to find out why I wasn’t developing properly or why I had certain problems. So now I’m going through puberty at 38…

Anyway, enough about that suffice to say I feel alone and empty, going through the motions of living